And I’m okay with that. Or at least that is a work in progress I’m okay with evolving and coming to terms with. When faced with pregnancy the obvious is that postpartum your body will have changes. Some of the obvious things I was prepared for. And yet I have now come to realise there is some taboo subjects about postpartum bodies that no already mums warned me about. Not even the Facebook warrior mums. But I love to discuss topics considered taboo or uncomfortable to the mass so here I go.
A week after giving birth I posted a question tab on my Instagram Story welcoming people to ask me questions about my pregnancy. But what took overwhelming precedence was peoples curiosity with my body post-pregnancy. Even though I’m in the early process of this and still have a while until my body settles into its final postpartum formation I thought why not write about some of the initial changes which I had expected and some which I was completely unprepared for.
As a type of disclaimer I will state that this is my subjective experience of and with my postpartum body. Every postpartum body is different. Everyone has different reactions to the changes they go through and therefore my reactions and experience may completely differ from one woman to the next. I will also note I am a very open person about subjects considering human nature, the body and mind. Thus this would not be an invitation to interrogate any pregnant or newly mother you know about their bodies: some people like to keep these thoughts and feelings private.
Boobs
Let us start with a line grabber. Boobs. Who doesn’t want to know about my boobs right? Well this is a hit and miss with the changes. In fact, my boobs never grew bigger at all. All that happened was I tended to show them off more because I was under misapprehension that once Jude was born my boobs would immediately flatten and fall down to my knees. That also did not happen, very sorry to disappoint. However what did happen was my nipples changed colour! I welcomed this change: new brown nipples why not? I’d got bored of the old ones anyway.
Stretch Marks
This one was interesting. My entire pregnancy I drunk three litres of water and moisturised my belly twice a day in order to prevent stretch marks. The part I did not pay extra care to was my ass and thighs. What is more, the stretch marks never appeared during the pregnancy but straight after birth. I’m not sure if it was something to do with labouring and the intense pressure of pushing but you best believe I’ve got some sexy new tiger marks all over my backside. This was a change I had been naive to even consider happening. Throughout the pregnancy so many people paid attention to how I was stretch mark free over my belly that I neglected the fact that I’m only human and they can appear anywhere! Fortunately this change I was not horrified by and very quickly embraced the obvious that these little purple marks were there because I had birthed the most beautiful little bundle! How could I hate them?
Acne
Hello acne my old friend. When I was about fifteen I started to develop some deep rooted cystic acne over my neck and jaw line. This haunted me until recent years and it done its damage to my self-esteem and confidence for a long time. Come pregnancy I roamed around with the most flawless skin I have encountered during my lifetime. Who knows whether it was all the water or the pregnancy hormones but I did not want that spot-free life to ever end. However, it felt like my dreams of a forever clear skin, spot-free life come abruptly to an end as soon as Jude was out of my birth canal. This change was not so sweet. It immediately brung back the anxiety and insecurity I felt so intensely as a teenager and I was horrified all my hard work getting rid of the scars would have gone to waste. Fortunately, this surge of acne has subsided 8 weeks on from having Jude. But again, the fact my back become a breeding ground for my old friend was a postpartum change no-one had ever warned me about potentially occurring.
Teeth
Anyone else obsessed with all the whitening teeth cleaning range? You know the whitening toothpaste, mouthwash, strips, you know what I’m on about right? Well, say goodbye to that during pregnancy. I had my check ups during where my dentist gave me advice and special toothpaste to use throughout. Regardless, I developed gingivitis. Now if anyone don’t know what this is in laymen’s terms it is the inflammation of gums and can commonly occur during pregnancy. Anyone who knows me well knows I love going to the dentist. There is something magical about that little chair and having all your problems fixed (well inside your mouth, I’m a freak I know). So I was looking forward to my postpartum appointment on 24th of November where I was about to begin my whitening process. Instead, after my x-ray (which cannot be performed during pregnancy) my dentist told me my front filling and tooth had died and I would have to go private for it to be corrected. £1,500. £1,500 to fix my single tooth! So thank you pregnancy, that postpartum change was definitely not welcome. New car on hold, new tooth pending.
Side note: I’ve recently found out that when my nan carried my dad and uncle (identical twins) she also had a few teeth die! Is it a genetic risk? If anyone knows let me message me!
Swelling
Again! A weird one. During the pregnancy I was constantly complimented on how I wasn’t swollen! I gloated in this, light as a feather (well 13 stone, sort of). But fuck me, why the fuck did no-one warn me that you can swell up like the michelin man straight after birth?! I swelled up so bad that during my stay at hospital (I was kept in due to a deathly labour) I was paralysed from the waist down for a whole day and couldn’t walk properly for another week. This is entirely subjective to my labour experience and yet not something I ever imagined happening. My face, eyes, arms, legs, just every part of my body had swollen in unimaginable ways. No shoes, nor socks, or clothes I had packed for my stay fit and it was questionable if I’d have to leave the hospital barefoot at one point. The midwifes had explained to me that it was a mix of my body reacting to the medications I was taking and my uterus expelling the fluids at an excessive rate which made my swelling so extreme. Pre-labour I had mentally prepared myself for the sight of a flabby belly immediately after giving birth. I had not prepared myself to look in the mirror and see the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.
Sweats
I’ll keep this short and sweet. I sweat so much it is a joke. Fortunately, I’m a single parent so sharing the bed isn’t a problem. I have no-one to burden with this issue. However, girls be prepared because for me, my sweat is untameable and deodorant actually working is currently a thing of the past. Why? Someone let me know.
Extra Weight
For friends and family, some of you may know I suffered with an eating disorder for quite some time. Looking in the mirror and continuously attempting to lose more weight even though I was the size of a twig was a battle which took a while to overcome. Yet whilst being pregnant weight gain made sense to me, in order to carry a healthy baby weight gain was essential: task complete with my healthy 8lbs 6oz baby boy. Now the baby is gone, what about all this extra weight I’m carrying? To be honest, I was really fortunate. I’m only half a stone heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight so mentally this wasn’t so challenging. But to look at I’m bigger all round. And I fucking love it. I have never adored and appreciated my body so much. This extra weight gain? Stunning. Yes, I may sound like I’m up my own ass but why the hell not be? I wish everyone to look at their bodies after a baby, no baby, male, female, anything in between and love themselves. You’re all fucking stunning too, extra weight or otherwise it doesn’t matter our bodies are magical.
The Effect of Sleep Deprivation!
I was prepared for sleep deprivation to occur. However, I wasn’t ACTUALLY prepared for sleep deprivation. It may seem a dramatic opinion but this is one of the toughest changes I’ve endured. As a single parent I do every night shift and have done since giving birth. And it is fucking hard. Before Jude I slept so well. I had a full 8 hours sleep every night and kept as active as possible. When he was first born I was lucky to even get two hours in. Mainly, this wasn’t because he didn’t sleep it was because initially I would stare at him all night: is he still breathing? Is he okay? the anxiety went on for weeks. I’m starting to adapt to the broken sleep now and fortunately he’s sleeping longer during the night. But you best believe in the early weeks I cried a HELL of a lot to my mum. I was so fucking tired. All I’ll say if you’re in a relationship where you can share the night shift then please do! Sleep deprivation can prevent recovery and lead to post-natal depression so it’s so important to try and get that sleep in!
Vulva
I thought I’d save the one most taboo subject until last. Am I really going to post about my experience with my postpartum vulva on the internet? Yes, you bet I am. Why? Because it’s just part of a human body and I don’t give a shit about discussing it publicly.
For disclaimer purpose: To begin with I had a episiotomy during labour, this means I had a surgical cut in my vulva down to my bum cheek because the entrance wasn’t wide enough for Jude to fit through. Not everyone has this. Due to this I had stitches: again not everyone has them. I also had an unfortunate serious postpartum illness which was followed with an operation 5 weeks postpartum which prevented my body from healing correctly and created infections: an operation I may discuss at a later date. Thus, this is not to scare any future mothers, it was completely subjective.
Prior to labour I’d asked a few friends what their vulva was like after giving birth. I was curious and nervous about the reality of the damage done. Yet now reflecting, all people ever told me about was how they were still ‘tight’ or their boyfriends had said nothing had changed. What I feel like I was looking for in people’s answer was actually about how it looked. Was it different? Saggy? Cut up like a cured meats board? But I never received an answer relating to that. Which is perfectly fine, that’s people’s choice to be private on the matter. But I’m not that much of a private person so fuck it.
I didn’t look. I refused to look until 15 days postpartum when I was in such exurisating pain I was advised by my doctor to look for infection. Now take note in recent years I’ve never had vulva anxiety, I’ve never been the shy type. I looked in that mirror and I was absolutely horrified. Why had no-one told me how horrendous it was? My vulva was ruined. My surgical cut was open and swollen up like golf balls and that was most certainly not the vulva I had before labour. I walked out the bathroom and immediately told my mum my vagina was absolutely fucked. I thought how on earth am I ever going to meet someone ever again? How am I going to look at it ever again? I was in tears. It genuinely sickened me. I immediately called my GP back and they informed me it sounded like I had an infection and was prescribed some more antibiotics. On top of 34 other tablets I was taking a day it seemed to me I would never get better. That was it, a fucking ruined vagina. At a later date I found out I wasn’t healing due to the illness I had developed so don’t worry apparently it’s not like this for everyone! Luckily, I am now 8 week postpartum and 3 weeks post operation and with the mixture of all the other medications I have a normal vulva again. In fact, it looks better. The only difference now being I have a scar from my entrance to my bum cheek. I can live with that. Drama over – the vulva is not fucking ruined.
Nevertheless, I wanted to share this initial experience and reaction because I’m sure a lot of women experience it. It was a scary time, and I worried it would prevent me developing a future relationship with anyone. If you ever experience the reaction like I did just ride it out and talk to someone about it, it’ll get better. And when the doctor tells you to check things then check! Don’t be like me and avoid the issue for 15 days.
Mind
This may not be a physical change, but mentality is just as important. I had never imagined myself as a mum before. My future career and things I want to do had always prioritised the stereotypical family life. In all honesty, I will never be the normal mother I know that. But I never thought I would find so much joy in being a mother. Depression and anxiety has shadowed my life for as long as I can remember so during my pregnancy I was very tuned into the fact that post-natal depression could be on the cards for me if I did not attempt to prevent it. Certain factors during my pregnancy did drive me into a dark place for a while. Primarily I never thought I would be a lonesome parent and I found it really difficult to understand why someone did not want to love a child they share with me. Nevertheless, have you seen my kid? He’s fucking stunning. But instead of letting things slide during the pregnancy I sought out a councillor for some guidance in order to help me stay afloat emotionally. What I have found most unexpected is actually how these dark thoughts are pretty much a thing of the past now Jude is here. I realised I haven’t got myself to feel sorry for anymore and I need to create a happy future for my little boy. That alone has given me so much strength mentally. Thus I have never felt more motivated and positive about myself and my future than I ever have before. In the next year I have made a promise to myself to do everything I want to do. Like I mentioned above I will never be the stereotypical mother, so watch this space.
Overall, that wasn’t too bad was it? I mean a lot more changes have happened or in the making of happening. For example I’m waiting for the hair loss, I still have my linea nigra, and do the nipples eventually turn back to their original colour? I don’t know, but I’ll probably let you know if they do eventually.
On another note, I’m aware some people may feel like sharing this personal information is wrong. Or that considering I’m a mother it is inappropriate to share information to do with my body. If you do have that opinion then quite simply fuck off. I will bring my baby boy into a world where women can talk about these subjects freely and respect them doing so.
So until next time,
Much love Teri x
Teri's Tea Time 