Experiencing Shame

I recently listened to a podcast by i_weigh where they discussed the topic of shame. Aisling Bea is one of my favourite comedians and to hear her talk about her experience with shame through teenagerhood and adulthood was inspiring. Whilst listening it made me realise that I enjoy engaging in difficult conversation and stigmatised topics. In particular, I relish in conversation regarding stigmatised topics within womanhood. Thus, I thought why not share some of my personal experiences of feeling shame.

The shame I wish to discuss is related to emotion. The emotive feeling of shame. According to the Cambridge English dictionary, and in laymen’s terms, the feeling of shame is associated with emotions of discomfort and guilt regarding the actions of one’s self or others. It involves a sense of loss of respect and honour. But I argue it goes a lot further than just these adjectives. Primarily, it can also be recognised as a form of maintenance to control power structures. It can take a toll on the relationships you form, it can disable your confidence and self-esteem, and enhance social withdrawal and avoidance. Effectively it can configure the way you connect or disconnect to certain social interactions. I know this first hand because I’ve felt it. Ultimately, the feeling of shame and the way you react to it can change the entire course of your journey’s and mould the person you become. Hence, in the next few paragraphs I wish to share my intimate moments with shame, how I’ve responded to them, and demonstrate how shame is a continuous power force which needs to be challenged in order for personal development.

What’s a Normal Female Body?

I’m not sure if this is because I was the bottom class in science at school but I never learnt in detail about the female body. I mean you learn the very basics of what a stereotypical normal body beholds: two arms, two legs, girl’s can have babies, boy’s cannot, girl’s have a vagina, boy’s have a penis – you get the gist. But can anyone, and this is primarily targeted at the mainstream state schools, can anyone actually remember learning the in’s and out’s of the woman’s cycle? Does anyone actually remember any teachers taking you through the stages of being told what a period was and normalising that in the company of male students in order to inform them too? I think it’s terrifying how I’ve spoken to men as old as 24 who do not understand what a period actually is. What is more, I’ve heard and seen first hand how girls change the way they act depending on whether they’re on their period e.g. not staying at their boyfriend’s because they’re too embarrassed by it. Embarrassed by a period. A natural cycle.

My first experience with my changing body come a lot sooner than expected and in retrospect is a humorous story at the very least. I was on holiday in Ibiza with my family when I believed that I was continuously shitting myself. I didn’t tell my mum for a few days because I was mortified. I’m meant to be enjoying myself and making friends but I’m continuously shitting my pants. Every time I looked at my knickers I had brown stuff which I had to keep wiping away and I felt too weird to be going into the swimming pool. After hiding away in the bathroom and my mum becoming increasingly suspicious she asked me what was wrong. I remember telling her and she was humoured because it turned out I was actually experiencing my first ever period. I was 10 and I had not a fucking clue what this was so I swiftly assumed I was slowly dying. But as quickly as my mum told what was happening I was handed my first sanitary towel and the topic was never brought up again in any detail. I just bleed once a month now? But what come soon after is finding out that friends my age were not experiencing the same bodily change and I immediately felt disgusting and strange. This is the first time I can remember feeling a sense of shame in relation to my normal female body. I was in shame because I didn’t understand fully what my body was actually doing and no-one was willing to inform me.

Evidently with age I’ve been fortunate enough to overcome the embarrassment and shame I felt about having a natural cycle. However, as mentioned above, I know female’s as old as 25 who still feel a sense of embarrassment regarding it. I’m also curious as to why I was never taught in any detail about this in school. And why did my mum treat my first period as an underground drug deal handling my first pad? I ponder the thought that maybe if the subject wasn’t considered such a private matter it would save the next poor young girl who fears the same fate. All in all, I wish there was better schooling on the subject and that parent’s were more cautious on the effect they have on their children when telling them about it. That includes boys too!

Body Hair

Body hair. Something that everyone can relate to because everyone has it. It’s on our faces, arms, armpits, legs, toes, head, pubic region, you name it, it’s there. And yet I’m sure many people would agree with me when I say women are heavily stigmatised or considered alternative when they choose not to groom. Or alternatively, have you ever heard a male defend himself that he’s not gay when he shaved his pubic region? Being an open person about these topics means I’ve heard lots of personal experiences with bodily hair. I for one never used to even dare text a male knowing I hadn’t shaved my legs. But why is body hair such a big deal? To my knowledge, the association between femininity and hairlessness began to elevate post 1914 in the United States. The desire to be feminine and attractive to the male gaze. This could also explain why some of the men I have dated have insisted they’re not ‘gay’ for shaving. It slowly become a normative for women to be hairless in order to be sexually attractive. And in modern day, refusing to follow societal expectations regarding this makes one alternative and edgy. At least this is in the westernised context and I can appreciate the attributes which are considered attractive vary in different places and across different cultures.

For some time I was in the deep depths of shame in relation to body hair. Every date I had to be fully stripped of any unacceptable stray strand of bodily hair that may regard me brutish and unfeminine. Being and feeling feminine in the presence of a male was especially daunting to me because my tomboyish nature and outspokenness can be horrifyingly dominating. This is until I realised that actually it was the stripping of my hair which made me feel ugly. From that day fourth I said fuck it, if someone doesn’t like my body hair then they don’t get to fuck me, simple as. When I reflect on why or when I developed my internalised need to shave in order to feel feminine I think about the type of media I consumed as a child. Strangely, what comes to mind is Mia’s makeover scene in The Princess Diaries. She was the geeky kid with glasses, unruly hair and freakishly thick eyebrows with a tomboyish nature and in turn that was me too. I remember thinking that if I followed the steps: trim eyebrows, get rid of the glasses and shave I will be pretty. Fucking crazy to think I must of been in primary school and I already associated myself with being an ugly girl. Yet, even taking the step to shave was embarrassing. I remember sitting on the toilet, I must of been 11 and shaving my pubic region for the first time. The idea just stuck that I had to remove and control all hair: head, eyebrows, legs, armpits and pubic region in order to be a pretty girl. Funny how now as an adult it’s the exact opposite which makes me feel my most confident.

The Female Body and Genitalia

A more pressing time shame dominated my life was when I entered the realm of being a sexual being. And I now know a lot of females who have gone through similar experiences with this. For me, my biggest concerns were my nipples. Am I normal? PornHub here I come. I’ll be honest, I was extremely self-conscious for a very long time about them. In reflection I have not a fucking clue why but those little bumpy bits which I now recognise as montgomery glands, which are milk glands and sebaceous glands, yeah they really had me in a rut. I was convinced I had some sort of nipple acne and was extremely uneasy about them. I remember sending my first nude (yes elders, it happens) and being in immediate regret due to the fact I thought I was going to be exposed for the monstrosity which was hiding behind my bra. My monstrosity referring to my breasts which were incredibly normal. In fact, to this day not one person has said a bad word about them. Which is interesting because this was a shame I felt so intensely. And come to think of it it’s not something I’ve ever really spoken publicly or privately to anyone before. It’s a shame I grew out of but if anyone’s reading this and thinking oh damn I have this – I’m going to tell you you’re perfectly normal, to relax and love your tits.

Next on the list is the appearance of my vulva. Admittedly, I must of been about 19 before I grew out of this self-conscious state. And if you have recently read my blog post regarding my postpartum body you’ve probably had enough of hearing about my vulva already. But I know for a fact women of all ages struggle with this and I’ll tell you how I know. Do you have sex with the light on? Do you worry when you think you’re going to have sex to ‘tidy up’ in advance? Do you cover yourself when laying naked next to your partner or sexual acquaintance or do you immediately put your knickers back on? Have you ever shaved then formed a red shaving rash which has prevented you from engaging in sexual activity because you’re embarrassed that someone may interpret you as unhygienic? When the topic of vulva’s come up does it make you feel uncomfortable? I’ve most certainly experienced all of these at one time or another. And I’ve most definitely googled countless vaginas in my time in order to compare. And yet, despite my internal battle with whether I was normal downstairs, not one single person had ever commented to make me feel one way or the other. I created this shame in my own head because I was influenced by porn and films about what was acceptable appearances for women. Instead, I wish I had learnt in school about the female genitalia and maybe then I would of enjoyed sex more instead of worrying about how fast I can get my clothes back on after. What I fear in this period of time is that the new generation’s are so absorbed in the media online that they also may experience this deep sense of shame associated with their bodies because the new age are so brutal. Take note: THEY COME IN ALL SHAPES, SIZES AND COLOURS AND EVERYTHING IS NORMAL.

SIDE NOTE RECOMMENDATION: Follow @the.vulva.gallery on Instagram, it shows you a range of beautiful vulva’s linked with individuals personal journey’s becoming comfortable with the look of their vulva’s attached.

Oversharing

In a world which has become highly digitalised and social media is at the tip of our fingers 24/7 it’s difficult not to slap our lives up on a plate. Yet, what I sense has severely impacted the mental health of many is the expectation to be consistently positive and appealing to our audiences. In fact, a lot of shame can be felt for revealing our true selfs which is not always a pretty sight. In retrospect I believe the current influencer and social media culture forces many of us to engage in the denial of self. And in the return of denial of self one meets misery. This brings me round to my story and experience of this. A guy at uni once told me that I was an over-sharer and if I wanted a boyfriend I would need to hold back on sharing the negative elements of my life. In essence, he was saying if I wanted to be attractive I would have to hold back my truth in order to please others. This got really wrapped up in my head for a while. Primarily because it was discomforting to reflect on the way I acted and spoke about topics or events in my life knowing that someone thought it would be best if I didn’t talk about it at all. At the time I was naive and absorbed this comment enough to really impact the way I tried to introduce myself to new people. During which time I was severely affected by an eating disorder and anxiety which made me act fucking weird. And I become to feel even more shameful about these personal issues because I no longer explained why I could or didn’t do certain things. Consequently, I missed out on a lot of potentially good times and opportunities because I said no instead of sharing my truth at the risk of being an over-sharer and possibly burdening someone. Fortunately, through time and meeting a few good eggs I realised that your truth and oversharing isn’t a burden to people who genuinely care about your well-being and growth. And you should never feel ashamed of your struggles because everyone carries their own burdens and those who reject that notion can simply go in the bin.

Exercising at the Gym

Put your hand up if you have ever felt self-conscious or ashamed going into a gym because you didn’t know the correct way to exercise. Also put your hand up if you depend on having a buddy to go to the gym because you’re too embarrassed of going alone and potentially looking stupid. Third and lastly, put your hand up if you have ever wanted to exercise but felt too uncomfortable because you’ve never really tried before and fear you won’t be fit enough. Now, put your hand up if you’ve ever given a fuck about what a person is actually doing or wearing or looking like during a workout? If anything you’ve probably just felt envious or inspired and wished you could have the confidence to do the same. I say this because I’ve recently taken up running again. But before COVID-19 existed and before I became pregnant I was attending the gym 3 days a week. I consciously chose a gym where elderly people exercised in the effort to avoid feeling judged and ashamed of just trying by people of my own age. I even only went at particular times and days knowing it would be more empty than other times in the attempt to feel less embarrassed. What is more, I would even choose outfits (usually baggy) in the effort to hide any unflattering features. With the benefit of hindsight, and now in my early postpartum stage I feel invigorated attempting to run even though quite frankly I’m still pretty shit at it. Exercise should feel good and unfortunately it doesn’t look like those size six models you see when scrolling through insta. What I’m trying to emphasis with this point is that you have to start off shit to get good at anything. You shouldn’t feel shame because you’re trying something new or trying to better your well-being or just exercising for the fun of it! If people are working hard in the gym, they don’t look pretty that’s just a fact.

Single Parenthood

I decided to leave my current shame until last: single parenthood. As many of you are aware I recently become a mother to the most perfect little baby boy. And some of you may or may not know I am a single parent and bringing my baby up alone. I step lightly around this topic when I’m asked and keep this matter of fact mostly private. However, I feel shame about this because I fear the unknown and what the future may behold for my child. I feel shame because I fear the day I have to explain to him why I’m a lonesome parent. And I feel shame because I won’t have all the answers he may ask me when he grows up. I have no shame in the sense of being a single parent because for that I’m proud as I’m a highly motivated, independent, educated young woman and my child won’t miss out on anything he desires to have. Nevertheless it’s hard and it feels shameful when questioned about it. This sense of shame is inflicted upon me due to the actions of others rather than my own personal sense of shame. It’s the 21st century, supposedly a progressive society, and yet I can still feel the judgement when questioned on the situation. I felt it from the midwives at the hospital, I felt it from the health visitor, and I especially felt it the day I registered his birth, attended alone and gave him my family name. This is my current struggle that I need to learn to grow from and I share this only to reach out to individuals who may suffer the same emotions around the subject. And more optimistically, I share this because maybe some of you judgemental fuckers that stick your nose up at single parents may be influenced to get your head out your ass and be kinder people.

All in all, I reckon those of you who perservered to read through could probably recognise a few shameful moments of your own which sound similar to my experiences. Yet that’s the reason I felt like sharing these because I guess lately I’ve found a sweet spot for contributing to de-stigmatising particularly topics by starting a conversation about them. For starters, I know in the future there will be other little girls horrified by the sight of their first period because their parents found it too embarrassing to discuss. Then I know, especially in a time where influencer culture is so prominent, there will be a generation which find their information about what a normal female body is through social media platforms instead of being taught safe and correct information through their schooling systems. I would argue that body hair just needs to be dropped all in all, it’s not edgy and being hairless doesn’t make you less feminine like who the fuck cares if someone has hair or not? Or at least that’s my ideal world view on that matter. Fourthly, in regard to exercising JUST DO IT, and anything else you want to start for that matter. You can’t become good at something if you never start and put yourself out there. And finally, on my current struggle in respect of single parenthood I in particular wish there was reform within institutional systems which encounter single parents and treat them fairly without hassle nor judgement.

Thus, in reflection through the examples given you could probably gather how the experience of shame affected how I formed relationships, how it shaped particular events, how it debilitated my self-confidence and how it prevented me from achieving personal development and growth. Don’t be a me, reflect on the things you feel shameful about and say fuck it and work through it regardless.

Until next time,

Much love Teri xox